Sometimes Andrew Is by Kevin Litwin

Sometimes Andrew is a super hero, always saving the day,

Sometimes Andrew is a dinosaur, hunting for his prey.

Sometimes Andrew is an astronaut, landing a ship on Mars,

Sometimes Andrew is a rock star, playing the drums and guitar.

Sometimes Andrew is a doctor, helping people heal,

Sometimes Andrew is a famous chef, cooking a yummy meal.

Why is Andrew all these things? Because he likes to play,

His great imagination helps him enjoy every single day.

When Andrew gets a bit older, he can be anything he wants,

But right now when he’s 6 years old, it’s just having fun that counts.

The Adam’s Apple by Kevin Litwin

Tonight the moon will be full, so tonight I will do the deed. I have planned this surprise for days.

My madness continues to fester, tormenting my spirit, as the perversity of the actions I witness on a nightly basis has driven me to the extreme of rage. As I curl up for naptime in the early afternoon prior to tonight’s fateful murder, I reflect upon good deeds my human does for me.

He raises blinds each morning before leaving, knowing that two windows in our apartment face south. The sun pours through the violet glass as I doze on soft carpeting, listening to fainted sounds of nearby freeway traffic speeding by.

Each evening when arriving home, he opens two cans of tuna for me to enjoy. It’s not the cheap tuna – it’s albacore. And one evening last week, he brought home a scratching post for me to delight. Made of hard emery and oak, I have meticulously sharpened my claws to a scary razor finish in anxious preparation of this frenzied night to come.

****

As today’s evening breaks, my human returns to our apartment as he does every day at this time. He taps my head in a playful manner, and satisfyingly scratches my neck under the collar for what seems to be a blissful eternity. Even though I’m independent to a fault, my human insists on feeding and caring for me, so tonight I shall equivalently return such favor when he drops off to sleep.

For because he is oblivious to the world when out cold, he hasn’t the slightest inkling that each night a mouse invades his throat and nests there. Surely it is a mouse. What else could it be? Yes, it is a mouse.

I noticed by chance the monstrous little creature a few nights ago, and its existence has haunted me unceasingly since then. The cruelty of it throbbing up and down, up and down, inside my human’s throat makes my soul shriek with fury. I hate the little fiend. It must be exterminated.

****

Tonight has finally arrived, filled with unusual gloom. The air is hot and sullen, and my psyche overflows with nightmarish contempt. Moonbeams silt through the apartment windows, and my keen eyes are sharper than ever as I notice from the living room that my human has turned off the lamp in his bedroom. Undoubtedly he has stretched his tired body atop the smallish bed, and usually within five minutes becomes dead to the world with slumber.

Almost instantaneously, the mouse then always arrives, traveling from wherever it travels to cloister itself inside the neck and throat of my human. I have especially noticed this disturbing escapade in earnest for the past two nights, while quietly casing the bedroom to check on things. I watch in horror and disdain as my human lays on his back and struggles to breathe, all due to the vile trespassing mouse that methodically moves up and down, up and down.

****

Suddenly, I now hear strange noises emanating from my human’s mouth and throat, so I instantly rise to my feet from the living room comfort and lithely tiptoe to the bedroom. I arrive at the door archway and from my standing position on the floor, I look upward and peer at my prone human whose throat is trembling with the vibrations of that infernal mouse going up and down inside his neck. Up and down, up and down. Evil vermin, it is time to become acquainted with the frightening predator that I am.

With heart-stirring excitement, the destroyer in me flexes my sharp retractable claws and I grind my fanglike teeth, in crazed preparation for attack. Then, with eyes spewing fire, I take one gigantic and calculated leap upward from the bedroom floor and land perfectly on the bed, inches from my human’s head.

With claws honed like knives and in a fit of rage, I mightily slash my razor-like nails at the very body of the loathsome mouse and, with the strength of a tiny Hercules, I violently rip it from the confines of my human’s throat. Die, filthy intruder, die!

Hot black blood pours like molten lava from the neck of my human – blood of the wretched mouse. The disgusting creature lay motionless near the side of my human’s head, and being hunter and carnivore that I am, I devour the little scum in one bite, in victory. Excelsior! Its taste is wild and delicious, more delicious than albacore tuna.

I wish I had the ability to laugh, for now would be time for guffaws and glee, given the joyousness of this occasion. Sweet, sweet triumph. Vulgar mouse, your depraved actions will never darken our door – and throat – ever again.

****

The mouse’s distressing dark blood continues to cascade from the neck of my human, as pillowcase and bed sheets become more and more smeared with repugnance. However, it’s perfectly okay. My human lay quiet, with his nightly affliction finally vanquished. Never will that nasty varmint provide another instant of nuisance.

So dream beautiful dreams, my human. No doubt you will be proud of my accomplishment once you awaken in the morning, and realize what I did. Is a reward in my immediate future? Dinner tomorrow evening might be greater than usual. Instead of albacore, perhaps I shall feast on red salmon. Served wild and delicious.

Gently Rapping

I’ll kinda miss doing my Wednesday and Saturday blogs, but today is my final one. I’ll still stay in touch by updating my CLD Facebook page on the first day of every month, plus more if I have any big news regarding my book-publishing effort.

I did attend the Killer Nashville mystery writers’ convention a couple weeks back and had some encouraging news. I was there on a Sunday morning for three agent/publisher book pitches, with my first 10-minute shot occurring from 10:40-10:50 with publisher Martin Shepard of The Permanent Press out of New York. When I finished, he asked me to send him the first 50 pages of my manuscript, so a glimmer of hope right off the bat.

The next 10-minute pitch was with publisher Deni Dietz, and she ultimately asked me to submit my entire manuscript to her. Then my third and final shot was with New York agent Jeff Kleinman, supposedly a difficult person to deal with who surprised me by wanting to see my first three chapters.

In fact, Kleinman immediately liked my story idea and asked if I brought the first three chapters with me. I didn’t, never suspecting that any agent or publisher would ask such a question at the convention. He chided me a bit for being unprepared but bottom line: He still wants me to send the first three chapters.

Of the 650 people at the convention that weekend, an organizer told me that the agent/publishers asked to see a total of 40 sample writings, including my three. Made me feel good until they all gave me their final words of advice – “Okay, we like the idea. Now make sure you have every word perfect before you submit anything to us. Don’t send us crap. Now it’s all about the writing. Make it great.”

Deni Dietz, who wants the entire manuscript, told me that her publishing house doesn’t take any manuscripts under 65,000 words. Mine, before I began a final edit that I just started over Labor Day weekend, was 57,800 words. As I currently write this blog Tuesday night Sept. 6, the book is now 59,000 words after I’ve gone through the first 10 chapters of the 45-chapter novel. I’ve got some more ideas of scenes to add, so onward I shall go.

Dietz and the two others said there is no hurry for my manuscript or chapters – they each already have their 2012 book lineups set. They all told me that when I’m ready to submit my work to them, the earliest it could get published is 2013. Sheesh, they work way in advance.

So more writing and editing is my plan of attack, and I’m focusing on impressing Deni Dietz since she asked for the whole thing. I work with a good editor at Journal Communications – Raven – who said she would read and critique my manuscript when it’s finally ready.

Ironically, Edgar Allan Poe is one of my favorite authors and his most memorable work is The Raven, so Raven seems like a choice of destiny to oversee my final edit. I plan to have the rewrite completed by the end of September, at which point I will approach Raven for her help. I will suddenly come a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping at her chamber door. Hopefully, Raven won’t say, “Nevermore.”

Thank you to niece Andrea who from March 8-Sept. 7 posted my 45 blogs – hey, the same number of chapters that are in my book. Thanks for reading the blogs, everyone. Talk atcha on my CLD Facebook page Oct. 1 – maybe sooner. KL

Killer

Haven’t blogged in awhile because my life kinda stinks right now, like the tuna fish sandwich I ate yesterday. But onward we all go.

Book update: I will be attending a Killer Nashville mystery book writers convention Aug. 26-28 near Vanderbilt University in Nashville. The annual convention showcases the mystery genre with many nationally recognized speakers, agents, editors and publishers in attendance.

One of the nice aspects is that a registered attendee like me is allowed to pitch his book for 15 minutes to a New York agent. Ironically, I’ll just so happen to attend a seminar called The Perfect Pitch only an hour prior to my personal pitch. Good luck, me.

A thank you goes out to Jessica for putting together a flashy one-page, two-sided, flyer-like, card cover (inside joke) handout I can give to agents at the Killer Nashville conference. The flyer has my book cover on the front (thanks Jon Brooks) and a brief synopsis and my bio on the back. There is even a cool graphic of my signature – looks like I signed with my own blood (thanks Keith).

Also a shout out to Gary, who e-mailed some encouraging words last week telling me to keep plugging with Crazy Lucky Dead, as he relayed a fact about the best-selling book The Help. It’s a 2009 novel by Kathryn Stockett about African American maids working in white households in Mississippi during the early 1960s, and apparently Stockett was rejected by more than 60 agents prior to finally getting a book deal. Her novel ultimately made the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Okay, that’s all for right now. I still love to write but dislike all the other aspects of this peddling process. The whole thing makes me feel like a hamper of dirty clothes. Maybe my washing machine will be at the Killer Nashville convention.

Next blog Sept. 7. Goodbye.

From Kevin

I am going to end my blog on Sept. 7.

That will be a full six months since I first started blogging on March 8, and I don’t think anyone really cares what’s coming out of my mind anymore. I think you’re all ready to move on to something else, and so I am.

Right now I’m in the process of writing my second book, plus I just put together a children’s book that I will soon try to peddle. As for Crazy Lucky Dead, I certainly haven’t put enough effort lately into either finding an agent or self-publishing it or e-publishing it, so I need to get back at it. Luckily for me, I wrote the book so it’s timeless, meaning that if an agent ever does take a chance even years from now, I’ll barely have to rewrite it. Just transform 2005 Chevrolet Impalas into 2016 Nissan Leafs, and things like that.

So today’s blog, then a blog on Saturday Aug. 20 to catch people up on things, then the final one Wednesday Sept. 7. The whole thing a little confusing? Maybe, but I’m a little confused myself these days – kind of like a tourist in New York City.

Thanks for reading. I’ve really enjoyed blogging.

Kevin

Distorted Reality

I must be turning into a 14-year-old teenage girl.

I've been watching too many TV reality shows lately, mostly for all the gossip and drama that accompanies them. This became especially evident Thursday night when I was affixed to the season premieres of Project Runway and LA Ink.

Don't know why I watch Project Runway – I'm certainly not a clothes horse. Maybe I'm attracted to the design artistry that's involved. By the way, this season I'm rooting for the straight guy. Oh, wait – there aren't any.

As for LA Ink, again I like the artistry. I'm impressed when clients bring in pictures of people's faces they want tattooed on their arms, and the tattooists make the finished tattoos look exactly like the pictures. Speaking of which, bad move by Kat Von D to get a big likeness of fiancé Jesse James tattooed on her underarm, then the couple broke up in real life a week after the taping of that particular episode.

Okay, I need to stop. Gotta go listen to my Justin Bieber CD.

Burn, Baby, Burn

Lose weight and increase metabolism in a healthy, scientific way?

Nope, this isn't a Billy Mays (deceased) commercial. I wrote an article this week on research advancements at the University of Tennessee, and interviewed Joy Fisher with the UT Research Foundation. She mentioned quite a few upcoming medical breakthroughs at UT, including:

“We're backing a company that has developed a can't-miss, scientific weight loss product called Innutria,” Joy said. “Innutria is a food ingredient with a specific blend of natural nutrients, which when added to food or a beverage helps your body burn fat and increase metabolism.”

Joy doesn't yet know the launch date (it will be soon) or where Innutria will be sold. Innutria.com will have updates.

Speaking of Food

My friend Tony visited Sea World the other day, then relayed this joke:

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my…I could be eating a slow learner.”

Johnson Rod

My last blog pointed out how proud I was of ridding our house of ants, then followed that achievement by painting the entire downstairs of our two-story house. But since pride goeth before a fall, I could almost count on something else popping up at home to quell my enthusiasm.

Sure enough, only hours after last Saturday’s blog was posted, our air conditioning unit went on the fritz. Luckily, our home is cooled by two pumps – one for the upstairs and one for downstairs -- with the pump failing for the upstairs. Everyone in the family stayed downstairs for the remainder of Saturday and all of Sunday, with the temperature upstairs reaching 99 degrees one time when I checked.

The repairman was at our house at 8 a.m. Monday and gave me a detailed explanation of the problem, and I was pleased that the bottom line for fixing the unit was only $120.

“Yeah, it was your start capacitor,” the repairman began to tell me. “Those capacitors used to run on oil but the government ended all that with the environment thing, so now every capacitor wears out after maybe three years of torque-starts to cycle the motor.”

“Do what?” I thought to myself.

I can hold a pretty good conversation about cars and most home improvement projects, but air conditioners and furnaces – not so much. The guy could have told me that the air conditioner needed a new Johnson rod and I would have gone along with it.

Sorry. Only Seinfeld fans would understand that Johnson rod reference.

The Bell Tolls

Back when I attended grades K-12 and then took six years to earn my four-year college degree, I never began a school year prior to Labor Day weekend. The first day of a new school year was always Sept. 5 or 6 or 7.

That’s why it always surprises me when wife Jenny, a teacher at Spring Hill (Tenn.) Elementary School, begins every school year at the end of July. Jenny was back at school this week on July 25 to attend teacher and administration meetings in anticipation of students arriving back to class this coming Monday, Aug. 1.

But there is actually a method to this madness of being in school with basically two months of summer remaining, as current-day temperatures hover around 95 degrees. Spring Hill and the rest of the overseeing Maury County Public Schools district adheres to a year-round school calendar, with everything beginning in late July and ending in late May. The late May graduation is one advantage of year-round schools – I never graduated from any grade prior to June 14 or 15.

Plus the year-round schools get two weeks of vacation in October, a long Christmas vacation, and a two-week vacation in the spring. However, that is being altered a bit this year by having some days cut from both the fall and spring vacations, then those cut-days are being added to dates throughout the year that will allow for a few three-day weekends and a few four-day weekends.

Jenny says she likes the year-round calendar.

“We still get a full two months for summer vacation, and looking forward to that break in October is really nice,” she says.

So good luck, Spring Hill Elementary and all Maury County Public Schools as you already embark upon 2011-2012. It’s still boiling hot outdoors, so I hope all classrooms have good air conditioning units that have no chance of Johnson rods ever breaking.